Through the years

This is me, through the years. From 2002 to 2007. Boy, I sure have aged, like mature fine wine ;p

Reason for this post? I saw a picture of a friend/acquaintance and marveled at how much weight she has lost. She used to be bigger than me in 2002, but now she has shrunk. But I also noticed how sunken she looked. She is only 1 year older than me. She used to look so vital, full of life.

That is one concern I have when losing weight. Would I lose the vibrancy, the energy, the life? It does happen to some people.

Now me. Weight is always one issue I have been battling all my life. Since I was a baby, toddler, child or what have you. You read all the materials, but it is really a psychological problem. I see the pictures of me in 2003 and 2004, I looked slim, but I don't think my face/eyes looked happy.

What happened there? I basically stopped eating. I was so controlled in what I put into my mouth. Yes, I lost the weight, but at what expense? I am now declaring in public that yes, I saw a counsellor (two, in fact) for the eating disorder, on the verge (or maybe I was) on bulimia and anorexia. I felt good when I could refuse food, that I could say no to food, that I don't have to eat. I threw up every time I had food and I felt better. The psychologist made me understand that it was an issue of control. It happened at a time when apparently I felt I lost control of everything in my life, and this "eating" was my lifeline to having some form of control in my life. I had to slowly introduce food back into my life.

What I have realized is also that stress is also an inducer to food, plus maybe for me it slows down my metabolic rate. 2003-2004, I was not really working or work stress was not a huge presence in my life. So I was able to exercise regularly and watch my food intake. The rest of the years, work stress was a huge presence in my life. Many people had told me they were amazed at how I was able to work in such conditions, that they would have quit in a flash. Maybe the drawback to that was I ballooned again. No time to exercise, and eating more.

So how does one achieve and maintain a healthy, happy balance? I am still searching for the answer/solution.